Love 'em or leave 'em

I have a problem: I cannot control my expectations.
This is somewhat crippling.
I CANNOT CONTROL MY EXPECTATIONS
This is a problem!
It's somewhat crippling.

Don't get me wrong, not all expectations are bad things. For instance, I expect people to obey traffic laws so I don't become roadkill when I bike to work or walk into town. I expect myself to stay alive long enough to be satisfied.

Expectations kill my relationships though. My mind loves to wander and fantasize about what could be and what is going to be.

Unfortunately, that is not what is always going to happen, and I can't stand that.
I always end up being disappointed.
So I really hate expectations.
But I don't expect them to stop any time soon.
I expect it to be somewhat difficult.

Life Path

Your life path number is Master Number 11 or 11/2, and you have a unique and special path to follow. This number combines all the traits of number 1 twice over, and at the same time includes all the characteristics of highly charged number 2. With this life path number, much is expected of you, and your purpose in life is to inspire others. You possess an inordinate amount of energy and intuition, and you can inspire people even without trying.

You are a born charismatic leader, and your mission is to be someone others look to for truth and illumination, which could even be spiritual. However, you must develop yourself sufficiently to take full advantage of your powers by surrendering to higher ideals. You will be successful in any field that allows you be to a teacher, diplomat or speaker where you can utilize your considerable talents at uplifting and inspiring others

I was born on 7/13/1989, making my 'Life Path' an 11. As you read above, that's a lot of expectation for me.
Not having a definite plan of what to do after college graduation has lead me to looking for advice, even that of the stars and...well, numbers.
It's not encouraging to read that you're prone to self-destruction and severe depression. It's kind of a nervous confirmation of old and new behavior (and no, I am not hurting myself, in case you have teleported to that conclusion). D:
And the whole not belonging feeling? I am on that wavelength all the time, no matter who I'm with, even if I'm alone. I'm not a fan of that feeling.

I've become short-term obsessed with this. The other day I was obsessed with my natal astrological chart (which also tells me I'm very charismatic and intuitive--triple water sign). My friends have told me to chill and let it be, but I think it's already turned into something that lurks in the back of my mind, seemingly forgotten until one day it makes an appearance again. Kind of like the whole natal chart dig.

I don't know how to finish this. Goodbye? Later?

Hello. It's been a while, hasn't it?

First of all, I blame school.
Second of all, I only have one semester left of this undergraduate crap before I never set foot on Northland's campus again. Knowing me, I will say I'll visit, but in actuality, I will not.
Then there's grad school, but that's not happening for at least a year.

What am I doing until then?
I really, really hate this question. EVERYONE asks it, making me feel like a need to provide a carefully, well-thought-out response about how I'm going to intern here for a year, then go to graduate school there, move out and live somewhere, etc.
THE TRUTH IS...
I have no freaking clue, but it will involve gratuitous amounts of stupidity. I haven't been stupid or risky enough in my college years--which is the purpose of college, isn't it? Go to campus, take classes, change your major, change your appearance, learn things, drink, party, smoke, dye your hair, get an apartment, internship, road trip across the country, etc.

Most of these things I haven't done.
So I've decided that I should work on that.
Plus, I have no internship or job experience in a lab setting, which is kind of...A BIG DEAL since I want to go to grad school for NEUROSCIENCE RESEARCH. Yeah, a big deal.

This next part has little-to-nothing to do with school.

It has everything to do with this.
Who is this person?
Well, for one, he's a boy. (Sorry female population. While I think you're all very pretty, I am not attracted to the thought of being romantically/sexually involved with any of you. Sad, I know)
He works with me at Corwins.
Traits: tall, wears glasses, works as a stock boy, quiet, secretly funny, hard-to-read, makes me smile, has the scariest fucking tattoo of a clown on his arm, has a tattoo sleeve on his lower left? arm, threw a Christmas toy at me during work today

Yes, that last one totally counts as a trait.
Other things: I don't know him well at all, he's hard-to-read (which unnerves me, because I can almost always read a person), I don't know if he's done anything with school besides graduate HS, His age? I dunno. My age maybe?, he works at Corwins, I don't know if he's smart! (This is actually a really important trait to me. I have almost 0 tolerance for stupid people.)

Soooooo...I don't know what's going to happen, or even what's happening now.
I kind of like it that way, though, considering I don't even know what I'm doing about anything right now. I'm kind of in a little chaotic bubble right now.
I'm only here until the 7th. That is no time to really date/form a relationship of any kind with the opposite sex. And I'm also a fickle fiend--I may love you mroe than anything else today, but be totally done with you tomorrow (this only applies to boys and most inanimate objects), so long-distance is so not my forte.
Simply put, I'm not going to delve deeper than shameless flirting...for now. Come summer, we'll see...

Arting--the art of making art?

I have made up a new word: arting. Although, I think this word may be being used by other people, and I am certainly not the first to use it.

BUT! I have been "arting" quite a bit this summer. It reminds me of summers past, when I actually did nothing but hang out, make stuff, and play The Sims. That was before having a stupid job, a dog, and soon-to-be-post-college-woes.

This arting right now includes working on a jean jacket that I might never finish.
It started out as a simple button-up denim shirt that I bought when I was 13. It used to be a big box-like shirt, ending below my waist a bit, with brownish buttons, and a chest front pocket.
Right now it's been cut to hit just below my bust, bleached, dyed, etc. I cut and sewed on denim patches from other jean material and let the ends of them fray (which looks super-cool). I even sewed on labels from other brand's jeans. I cut the sleeves--they're now short-sleeved, possibly getting a bit shorter, as I'm re-hemming it to look better.And it has big white buttons, which looked awful when the shirt was longer, but look a lot better now that it's shorter. I'm adding a little more destroyed stress and patches to it, including a zigzag stich along the bottom so the jacket doesn't completely fray away.

I hope to get this baby ready to wear within the month. I have a feeling it's going to be a great fall staple for me. :D <3

Christina out!

Engaging!

So, this post is just for LOLSI awesomeness.
If you don't know what that is, well...I am disappointed in you. :'(

WARNING: DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE NOT READ UP TO CHAPTER 3.37!!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!





[SPOILERS OF EPICNESS!]










I think we're safe now...
So, since it has just been revealed that Forrest got Lolo a ring, I propose (teehee) that we find out what the ring looks like! And what better way than to use the powers of the internet and look for "cheap," "unconventional," "whimsical," or "unusual" engagement rings!

Here are the ones I found that remind me about Lolo/Forrest:


1. I think this ring is just so cute! And I could see a hyper, sparkly gal like Lolo wearing it.


2. A very unusual engagement ring with a moonstone setting. Whenever I think of Lolo, for some reason I think Luna, and...yeah.


3. Somehow, when I think of Lolo, I think of purple. And how common are triangular cuts (I don't remember the technical name for the actual cut).


4. What's cooler than a vintage-looking ring? Umm...other vintage rings? XD


5. It's cute, unusual, and cheap! Something Forrest could afford that Lolo would probably like--although, I bet she's even be happy with a quarter machine ring.


6. Even though it says it's a princess ring, I think that Lolo would appreciate the weirdness of it, because I doubt her sister would like it. >:D


7. Same ring, but in green, because I do not know Lolo's favorite color.

Speaking of quarter machines, this it totally how Forrest would give her a ring:

I can see Lolo thinking it was just a silly Forrest thing, and then realizing that the thing inside was a more-than-just-a-quarter engagement ring.

Which is your favorite? I'm not going to say mine until later. :3

I truly am a nervous person

So, last post, which was long ago, is no longer really relevant, except for the parts involving low self-confidence and being nervous all the time.
After a series of internet fluke events, I believe I have discovered my 2 true problems in life (well, maybe not in life, but for now):

I think I have Hyperhrdrosis and Avoidant Personality Disorder.

Let me explain before you start thinking that I'm crazy.
Hyperhydrosis is basically excessive sweating of the hands, feet, armpits, and groin. It's really super embarrassing (I sweat everywhere but the last one! Eww!). And just thinking about sweating makes me sweat. It's the most annoying thing ever.
And APD...well. I find that I use "laziness" as an excuse to not be social, when really, I just don't want to see people. On that list of symptoms I am:
1. Hypersensitive to criticism and rejection--hence, my inability to tell people how I feel about them and my hurt feelings over criticism.
2. Self-imposed social isolation--Dude, I am a hermit of my own devices.
3. Extreme shyness or anxiety in social situations--I am always nervous meeting new people, or being in a group where I don't know anyone
4. Avoids physical contact--this is mostly because of my gross sweaty hands. Ughughughabugh.
5. Feelings of inadequacy--whenever I see someone who I think is better than me I start to feel super down about my own abilities
6. Self-loathing--mostly associated with the above
7. Mistrust of others--I hardly tell any other people what's really on my mind. I hardly trust anyone with stuff anymore.
8. High self-conscious--I think by now this is just obvious.
9. Feeling inferior to others--see number 5
10. Uses fantasy as escapism--I imagine different lives for myself all the time.

10/18

I'm going to write more detail on this later, but right now I just need to get it out and out there before I go and erase everything or whatever.

Christina out

I am a nervous person

First of all:

I think I might have anxiety. Or ADD. They're pretty interchangeable because both have similar symptoms. Anxiety can cause ADD-like behavior, and people with ADD are 6 times more likely to develop depression/anxiety/etc.

To those of you thinking it might be ADD, you're probably wrong. My counselor started thinking that too, but is now leaning towards anxiety. We're talking about it again next week. We've only met once (this past Tuesday). Let's just say that next time we might be talking about my dad. Which will be...interesting. I'm going to make a chart of ADD-like stuff and anxiety-like stuff that I do for next week.

And...my mom had heart surgery on Sunday. After waiting a very long time starting at 9 am, she finally got into the OR at 5 pm. She wasn't allowed to eat since midnight the day before (technically sunday, but whatever), so I felt bad for my poor hungry mom. Then at about 6:30, she finally had her pacemaker.

Let me clarify a few things about my mom.
1. My mom has a heart problem. Her heart is too muscley and big, so it works better than it needs to.
2. My mom's only 52 (53 in May)
3. My mom's mother died of congestive heart failure long before I, or any of my cousins, were born (so, like 30ish years ago).
4. My mom is 100 kinds of awesome.
5. She wears the deodorant that smells like baby powder (I have always loved this about my mom. I dunno why)

But mom's all good. She's got 2 weeks of no driving, no lifting her left arm higher than her shoulder, and working from home until she feels like going back (which would be awesome if I were actually home to bother her). I love my mom lots and lots.

More important information!!

I have met the most incredible guy on the planet (or at least at Camp Northland). He will be referred to as A for the sake of pseudo-privacy.
I like him so much that when we talk, I feel like my chest and head could explode at the same time.
Just talking to him on chat makes me flail around my room like some love-drink fish.
He's clever, cute, funny, handsome, driven, athletic, and an all-around great guy.
I am trying really hard not to let my low self-esteem get in the way. Like, really really really trying. Because he is...amazing. And Missy-approved.

Missy said A is the only guy that I've liked that she could ever wholeheartedly approve of. Her and Hessica said that we seem like we'd be a really cute couple and that we have good flow (whatever that means).

The other day at the caf, we ended up walking there from class together, and he sat down next to me at the table I was at with Missy and Hessica. And apparently, those two think that we're perfect for each other. They reported that we had no weird awkward pauses, and that we seem like we'd be just a fun couple.
Since then, I've been asking them if they think he's into me. They both agree yes, and Missy is getting sick of me asking.

This is where the self-esteem monster comes in. I asked Missy why he would like me. And she countered, asking, "Christina G, why wouldn't he like you?" To which I answered that I didn't think I was pretty/cute/etc. And then she gave me the "you are a dumb bitch" face, and told me I was being silly and that I was really pretty and stuff. I then asked her and Jessica if they were just saying that to make me feel better (they said no).
I need to find some self-esteem. I'm working on it. It's a hard thing to do.

Anyway, I'm procrastinating on my lab right now (part of this is Alex's fault). (Ah! A sign of anxiety!!) I will catch you bloglets later.